Check out John’s picks for the ten lamest super-villain costumes ripped from the pages of DC and Marvel comics

For every villain with the simple elegance of a Magneto or a Joker, or the utilitarian brilliance of a Doctor Doom or a Scarecrow, you have a whole gaggle of folks who created their costumes in the dark and should have left them there. Here are ten truly taste challenged costumes from comicdom.

1. The Calculator

Ok granted, the New 52 rebooted the Calculator into kind of a villain Oracle rip-off which made him a little less lame but the man actually used to run around with a calculator on his chest. To make matters worse, he actually used it to calculate the probable actions of the heroes. Needless to say, I doubt many heroes waited for him to crunch the numbers and I am sure that Texas Instruments disavows all knowledge of him. I could have really used him in math class, though.

2. Ruby Thursday

To give Ruby a little credit, there isn’t too much wrong with her costume. It is just the typical breast and belly accentuating outfit of an attractive and fit woman. What takes this into the land of lame is that she has cut off her head and replaced it with a giant ruby red ball. A red ball that turns into tentacles and holds things and is supposedly a computer. But it is still a giant red ball on an attractive body. Feminist minded individuals, I leave this one to you to interpret.

3. Egg Fu (Chang Tzu)

Egg Fu doesn’t so much have a costume that is lame, but rather it is what he is. He is an egg. A giant egg. A giant Chinese Communist egg. With a moustache. A Fu Manchu mustache that he uses as a whip complete with Charlie Chan accent. Even  when DC Comics rebooted him, he was still an egg, only this time with a Wild Wild West spider-leg-walking apparatus. To beat it all, he actually gave Wonder Woman trouble. There simply are no words.

4. Crazy Quilt

He is an artist and thief who is accidentally blinded by Robin and gains the ability to see only in blinding color. This ability drove him insane. So instead of creating a subtle costume, something grey and dark so he could hide in the shadows and use his mind control powers, he creates a costume that is nothing but vivid color. He looks like he is wearing a perfectly tailored Twister mat and Batman regularly beats him with his “right hand on blue” and his “left hand on red”.

5. Hypno-Hustler

The people that dreamed this up either really loved or really hated Jimi Hendrix. Along with his back-up singers the Mercy Killers, Hypno uses his electric guitar (with no visible means of electricity) to hypnotize his fans and rob them. Even beyond this offense is the suit.  Bright white Elvis like suit without the sparkles. Bright pink glasses and bright pink bands at the shoulders and the best or worst of all, white boots that omit gas and have a knife in the front of each. Even the Rhino thinks this guy is lame.

6. The Hood

So you see the thing is that he is a hood and he wears a hood, so he is called The Hood… get it? Pitiful low level thug, Parker Robbins keeps tripping into more power in the Marvel Universe. At first, he acquires a hood and boots from a demon he shot in a robbery attempt, but he was almost possessed by they demon who was in the service of Dormammu. When Doctor Strange defeated Dormammu, he took Robbins power back but then Loki gives him the Norn Stones, which Robbins uses to give his guns “magic bullets” Yep, you heard me. Then Loki takes those back and Robbins starts acquiring the Infinity Gems and he still hasn’t accomplished much more than unionizing the lower level Marvel super villians.

7. Sportsmaster

Larry Crock (leave it alone) had an Olympic level aptitude for most sports and instead of becoming a gold medalist or a wealthy athlete, he dons a full face mask and an ever changing array of sports uniforms and started a life of crime. He regularly got his tail handed to him by the Golden Age Green Lantern despite having an arsenal of weapons made of wood, the sole weakness of Alan Scott’s ring. Even the lamest can find love and he did just that as he teamed up with the much better dressed Tigress.

8. Thumbelina

OK. She’s fat. She shrinks down and retains her full strength. She gets tired easily. She gets constantly picked on by her teammates in the Mutant Liberation Front. She also has large round bands at her shoulders, neck, wrists, legs and ankles, making it impossible for her to walk normally. They must chafe something awful. She was co-created by Rob Liefeld. And she isn’t his first fat character. Rob Liefeld clearly hates fat people.

9. Chronos

We get it, Chronos. You are a time thief. The hourglass around your neck is plenty. The clock on your face is just pushing it. The flying stopwatch is just a little over the top. The rest of the costume is just unforgivable. There is simply no excuse for the striped leggings and the yellow cape. You have all of time and the entire DC Universe at your disposal and this is the costume you come up with? Even Alan Scott thinks your outfit is tacky and we won’t even go into getting his tail kicked by the Atom.

10. Mandrill

You are a man born with the face and body of a baboon. A fairly unattractive baboon. Good thing for you that you have the power to make women want you. That said, nobody wants this costume. Long sleeves and short pants? And the cape with the high collar? Were you dressed by Siegfried and Roy? In the dark? And that belt… the WWE wants it back, yesterday. Go home, villain creators, you’re drunk.

Share Your Favorites!

Well, there you have it, ten of the saddest excuses for villainy you ever saw. If you disagree or have some of your own, write your own article! Just kidding. Let us know about any costumes we may have missed!

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